Love Hurts
by AlpacasAndOwls
Summary: Phil's been acting really strange for the last few days. Can Dan, PJ, & Chris help him before it's too late? Is something much bigger than they thought happening? (Sorry, I suck at summaries. .)
1. Chapter 1

Phil Lester just stared at his laptop's screen. He'd been browsing Tumblr for a while, reblogging a few things, but after some time his mind started wandering off.

"Uh.. Phil, what's wrong?"

Phil mentally shook himself out of his reverie and blinked a couple of times.

"Er, what?"

Dan Howell raised an eyebrow and put down the controller he had in his hand. He'd been playing some game but Phil couldn't remember which.

"You've been sitting there staring at the screen for about forty-five minutes. Something's bothering you," Dan said.  
"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine.. I just feel woozy," lied Phil, smiling weakly at his friend.

He looked down at his laptop and tried to focus on some tweet a fan had sent. Twitter? When did I open Twitter?  
Dan frowned at the look of confusion on Phil's face. He seemed really bothered, and Dan knew that there was something that Phil wasn't telling him.

"Maybe you should call it a night," suggested Dan.  
"I'll make you coffee, and then you get some rest, OK?"

Phil nodded and smiled at Dan. Once Dan had disappeared into the kitchen and he heard the kettle start, Phil closed his laptop, rested his head against the back of the couch and sighed.  
What's going on with me? He thought to himself.  
He sighed again and gathered his things. With a tremendous amount of effort, he managed to push himself off of the couch and he found his way to his room.  
After setting everything down he flopped down onto his bed, buried his face in his pillow and silently let a sob escape his lips.  
He didn't realize that Dan had been standing in the doorway. Dan's heart sunk when he heard Phil's stifled cry. He walked over to Phil's bed quietly, and set the mug down on the bedside table.

"Phil?" Dan kneeled down next to Phil's bed and put a hand on his friend's shoulder.  
"Phil, what's wrong?"

Phil lay silent. He wasn't expecting Dan to be there. He kept quiet for a while longer until he felt confident that his voice wouldn't break.

"I.. I don't kn-" Phil cleared his throat and tried again.  
"I don't know, I just feel sick, I guess."

"Drink your coffee. Then get into bed and get some rest, yeah? We'll see what's up in the morning."

Dan got up to give Phil some privacy. He paused at the door and looked at Phil, frowning. Then the door was closed and he was gone.  
Phil waited until he heard Dan's door close before sitting up. He rubbed his eyes and swallowed hard. His throat was throbbing from choking back tears for the past few hours, and he had a headache that was fogging his mind. He downed his coffee, changed into something more comfortable, and got into bed. He reached up to pull Lion off of his nightstand. Lion was a stuffed animal that had been Phil's comfort for a long time. He closed his eyes as he stroked Lion's matted mane.

"What am I going to do, Lion? What am I going to do?"


	2. Chapter 2

"Phil? Phil? Phil. Phil. Philphilphilphil."

Phil groaned and turned over.

Dan pouted. "PHIL DAMMIT GET UP PJ'S HERE."

"...what. Why?" came the muffled reply.

"Because the world is ending and he didn't want to die without confessing his undying love to me. It was also his birthday last weekend and we missed the party so we're **supposed** to be doing something today. Get up. Get dressed."

Phil grunted.

Dan poked him before leaving Phil's room and shutting the door.

PJ Liguori draped his jacket over the kitchen chair.

"Undying love, eh? Should I be taking hints here?"

Dan winked.

PJ laughed. "So what was wrong with him, you said? You sounded really worried when you called."

Dan walked over to the kettle and switched it on, taking three mugs out of the cupboard.

"Like I said, I don't know. He keeps telling me he feels.. Woozy or whatever, but I don't know. It seems like more than that." Dan turned and faced PJ.  
"I walked in on him crying last night, Peej. He had his face in the pillow.. And he sobbed."  
Dan looked down at his feet and frowned.  
"If he is sick, then it must be something serious. But what if he's using that as an excuse to cover something up?"

PJ leaned on the counter and rested his head in his hand.

"That's certainly not normal behavior. How long has this been going on?"

"I'm not sure, about a week after I came back. He started by daydreaming a lot, tuning out of our conversations or completely walking away when we recorded together."

PJ frowned.

"Do you think I did something, maybe, or..?" Dan trailed off.

Dan had left to be with his family for a month or two. His aunt was in an accident and hadn't made it, so he went up there to be with his mother. His mother and his aunt were extremely close, and he found himself worrying. So Dan had asked Phil if he'd be okay for a few weeks.  
Phil was concerned, he'd assured Dan that everything will be fine, and that he should go.  
Dan got back a little over four weeks ago. But a week after his return, Phil had become resigned, distant, and he wouldn't tell Dan what was bothering him. He'd tell Dan that he was being silly, but now he's taken to being 'sick'.  
But what if Phil really was sick? As hard as Dan tried, he kept trying to tell himself that it was nothing, but he had this nagging feeling and it was starting to make himself feel sick.

PJ barely opened his mouth when Phil wandered into the kitchen.

Peej cleared his throat. "...Hey Phil."

Dan gave PJ his tea, and handed Phil his coffee.  
Phil thanked Dan, then looked at PJ, confused.

"Oh, hey Peej? Why're you here?"

Dan and PJ exchanged worried glances. "Uh... Phil? You alright man?"

Phil just smiled and stepped out of the room.


	3. Chapter 3

Phil realized that he needed to get his act together.

He was starting to worry his friends. He'd even begun lying to them. But he didn't know what was going on with him.  
It was like reality itself was slipping away from him, and he tried, oh he tried, holding onto it for as long as he could but he couldn't. He just couldn't.

He knew what was going on around him. He knew everything that Dan had said to him, he remembered everything everyone had said and everything everyone had done. But he couldn't.. Hold on. He was there, he was still Phil, but it's like he was trapped inside his own mind, and he wasn't in control of his words or actions anymore. He felt helpless as he watched reality start to slip.

Dan had left to be with his mother. A week after he came back, the first episode happened. They were sat on the couch and they were having a conversation that he couldn't remember. Then he felt this terrifying numbness come over him. He tried asking Dan for help, but his mouth wouldn't open. His limbs weren't working the way they were supposed to. He felt drugged. Over the next two weeks, these episodes became more frequent. Phil tried to do all that he needed to do in order to survive and not get sick, or more sick for that matter, while he was still sane and he had control. But it was becoming difficult.

One of these episodes triggered while he was bathing, and he was hoping and praying to whoever would listen that he would be able to remain upright. Luckily, he had. He'd stop bathing after that. They seemed to be worse whenever Dan was around. He wouldn't just lose control, but he'd get ringing in his ears and a sharp pain in his temples. It was starting to affect him in his good moments, too.

He was losing memory.

And he was losing hope.


	4. Chapter 4

Dan sat down next to PJ and fought tears.

"What am I going to do?" Dan's voice cracked.  
"Is he okay? Will he be okay..?"

Peej put a hand on Dan's shoulder. "Honestly.. I don't know man. He looked.. Demented."

PJ cringed as he said the word. And he started kicking himself when he saw the look on Dan's face.

"No, OK, look," PJ said quickly. "It could be something else entirely. But is he like that all the time?"

Dan slowly shook his head.

"Well, then next time Phil is... Phil again, sit him down and pry it out of him."

Dan nodded and rubbed his hands over his face. "Yeah, I'll do that.. I'll do that."

PJ gave Dan a pat on the back. "And don't hesitate to call me or Chris if something comes up. It doesn't matter what time." He gave Dan a reassuring smile.

"Thanks, Peej."


	5. Chapter 5

It was cold.  
It was extremely cold.  
It was deathly cold.

Dan had heated up soup for himself and Phil and they were both sat in the living room sipping at it. Dan would glance at Phil every now and then to see if he showed any signs of tensing up again, but he seemed fine.

Phil, however, started to notice.

"OK, what is it, Dan? And if you tell me you love me, and you always have, I'll push you out the window."  
Phil gave Dan a weird look.

"You know I'll always love you, baby," Dan winked.

"No, seriously," Phil giggled. "What's wrong?"

Dan sighed and put down his soup, which was still incredibly hot to eat.  
"What's been going on with you? I've been noticing you been really weird lately. You keep zoning out and you walk away completely sometimes. You hardly, well, you never use anything like Twitter or Tumblr anymore, and when is the last you actually uploaded something? I'm worried about you mate. Are you sick? Have I done something? Please don't keep me in the dark anymore, I can't stand it," Dan finished.

Phil stirred his soup and sighed.

Then he started telling Dan everything.


	6. Chapter 6

When Phil had finished, he had tears welling up in his eyes.  
He wasn't sure if he should have told Dan. Dan might laugh in his face, or phone the nearest mental hospital and have the men in white suits drag him away. He shut his eyes. His thoughts were only making it worse.

The next minute he felt warm. He opened his eyes.

Dan was.. Hugging him?

Phil hugged his best friend, and he never let go.

After a while, they got up and moved to the kitchen, where Phil had refilled the kettle and put it on. He was leaning against the counter massaging his temples.

He had one of those fogging headaches again.


	7. Chapter 7

**(Dan's POV)**

Dan went back to the living room to get their discarded mugs of soup.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Dan called to Phil from the living room.  
"We could've tried to stop it before it became this bad. Are there..."

Dan froze in his tracks.

The first thing he saw when he returned to the kitchen was the huge puddle of water on the floor. Then he looked up into Phil's eyes.

Phil's eyes.

They were fogged over. They had this ghostly hue and it brought chills to his spine. Phil's usually beautiful, bright blue eyes were now white.

And then he saw it.

Phil had the kettle in his hand, but his hand was tilted and he was pouring the water that had just finished boiling, over his right arm. Dan dropped the mugs, which broke into thousands of little splinters from the sudden impact and yanked the kettle from his best friend's hands.

**(Phil's POV)**

Dan had just left the kitchen when the kettle had finished cooking. He picked it up, ready to pour, when he felt it happening.  
He first heard the ringing. The first earsplitting ring. Then the headache came full-on, ten times worse than it was before. He tried putting the kettle down, but surprise, nothing wanted to cooperate with him. He wanted nothing more than to hold his head and sit in a corner and scream, but nothing wanted to work. He could hear Dan say something about something becoming worse, but he couldn't respond to him. He couldn't call out. He was helpless.

All of a sudden, he felt his body move. It wasn't normal movement. It felt more like a jolt, like a lightning bolt.  
Phil's body was now standing, still with kettle in hand, in the middle of the kitchen. He could see Dan gaping at Phil. He tried calling for help again, but to no avail. And then, Phil's body started pouring the boiling water onto his left lower arm and hand.

He was screaming. Every inch of his soul was screaming.  
The pain was excruciating. It was like nothing he'd ever felt before. It felt like he had thrust his arm into an open fire and let it roast. He could see his skin start changing, he could smell it. And it was only when Dan grabbed the kettle out of his hands when he realized - there is no way to stop this.

And whatever is happening to him, is going to kill him.


	8. Chapter 8

Phil had second degree burns on his lower arm and the top of his hand.  
Dan ran Phil to the bathroom, filled the sink with cold water, and told him to keep it submerged. He then ran for his phone, trying desperately to ignore Phil's cries, and frantically called PJ and told him to bring Chris and to stop at a pharmacy and get antiseptic or antibacterial cream and some form of bandages and to hurry the fuck up.

Dan returned to Phil ten minutes later.  
Phil still had his arm submerged in the ice water, and he had his head resting in his other hand, whimpering. Dan cringed. He stepped forward to see the damage. The burns weren't very large, but they were definitely there.  
There was a smaller area on his hand, which was red and looked like it was beginning to form into a blister. He had longer, wider burns higher up on his arm, and these burns looked deep red, and a bit glossy.

"How are you feeling?" Dan asked, softly.

"Peachy."

He chuckled. "I'm going to clean the kitchen up."

Dan swept up the broken glass in the doorway, wrapped it up in newspaper and disposed of it. He then picked up kettle that he'd dropped and mopped the water up. After a moment of thought, he refilled the kettle and put it on to boil. Waiting for the water, he decided to check messages and maybe see what was happening on Twitter.

He scrolled through his timeline and saw something that caught his eye.

_Unexplained rise of suicide cases spreads throughout the country._

Someone he followed had read an article written about two weeks ago on an online paper. He skimmed through it.

_..unusual amount of suicide throughout the UK...always seemed to be found by close family or friends...authorities are dumbfounded...witnesses tell of "white eyes" and "oblivious manner._

What's going on?

Just then, he heard frantic knocks at the door.  
He put his phone away and pushed his thoughts far into his mind.


	9. Chapter 9

Dan had barely gotten the door unlocked when Chris pushed the door open.

"What the fuck happened? What the fuck is happening? Where the fuck is he? Is he okay?"

PJ pushed past Chris and held up the supplies, showing Dan.  
PJ headed for the bathroom. Chris was about to follow when Dan grabbed his arm.

"Come with me."

Dan lead Chris to the living room and fell into a chair, breathing heavily and looking downright distraught. Chris sat next to him.

"Are you okay?"

Dan looked at Chris. Chris was looking at him like he was expecting Dan to either attack him or burst into tears. He did neither. He just sighed, for what felt about the hundredth time today. Then he told Chris what happened.

He told Chris about the trip, about how the first week had been great, but then had Phil had started changing, and it seemed as though it was getting worse. He said he was worried that it was going to get worse, and what if today was just the start.

"Why is this happening to him?" Dan asked, leaning forward. "What did he do? What even IS happening to him?"

Chris ran his hands through his hair and looked at the TV that was playing some cheesy sitcom rerun on mute.  
_I wish I knew._


	10. Chapter 10

Phil looked up at PJ as PJ entered the bathroom, gently closing the door behind him.

"Hey Peej," Phil said softly, looking at his feet.

"How are you feeling Phil?"  
PJ started taking everything out of the pharmacy bag and put it on the counter.

"Like hell," Phil glanced at his arm.  
"Literally," he added.

PJ smiled half-heartedly. "That much pain?"

"No," Phil answered sheepishly.  
"No, it's much more than physical pain."

PJ looked up at Phil, confused. Phil sighed and closed his eyes.

"You know what's been going on?" he asked, keeping his eyes closed.

PJ shook his head. "No," realizing Phil couldn't see him.

Phil began telling PJ about the ringing and the migraines that happened a lot when Dan was around. He explained how it had worsened with time, and how ironic it is now that Dan knows about everything, how these episodes are probably going to intensify. He said he's worried that they're going to get worse, and that he's going to hurt himself, or someone else, or Dan. He said he can't remember how it feels to go to bed at night and not have to worry about slipping into a full bloody coma, watch himself do things, not do things, & not have the ability to do anything about it. To have to sit and watch the consequences unfold. To sit and watch the pain that he could inflict on someone. And how he has no control over it.

PJ cleared his throat and rubbed his eyes. "You haven't hurt anyone yet. You would never."

Phil stared at the pattern the tiles made on the floor.  
"I would never, but I don't think I'm me anymore."


	11. Chapter 11

PJ cleaned Phil's burns with some soft soap and water, before applying the antiseptic he brought, then he wrapped his hand and his lower arm up in bandage.  
Phil had taken to biting down on his other arm to prevent himself from yelping out.

Dan and Chris sat in silence in the lounge. Dan would wince every time he'd hear Phil cry out.

Chris bit his lip.  
"How long will it take to ease off, dy'know?" Chris asked Dan after a while.

"About two to three weeks. It'll get irritable and itchy after a while." Dan sounded distracted.

PJ walked in. "I cleaned everything up. I left the antiseptic and the leftover bandages on the kitchen counter. Redress them every day." He sat down next to Dan.  
"Dan?" Dan was staring blankly ahead of him.

"I heard. Where is he, is he OK?"

"He's got some pain, but his resting now. He, uh, should be fine." PJ sunk down into the sofa.

The three friends sat looking at the TV in complete silence.  
Dan couldn't help feeling guilty about everything. After all, it had happened after he'd left, right? If he never had left, nothing would've happened to Phil. Phil would still be AmazingPhil. But it's too late now.

Dan Howell was watching his best friend - his brother - slip away from him, and he had no idea how to help.


	12. Chapter 12

The next few weeks were hell.

Dan didn't know how many times he had to pry knives and scissors and razors and other harmful objects out of Phil's hands. He barely made it every time. Dan was too afraid to leave Phil at the apartment alone, but he didn't want to risk taking Phil outside. It was too dangerous, and he'd be completely vulnerable.

PJ and Chris started coming by often, bringing them stuff they needed, restocking the fridge. Dan had no idea how to thank them. I'll find a way as soon as Phil gets better, he thought to himself. If he gets better. He shook the thought from his mind. Of course Phil's going to get better. Phil's strong.

Phil's a lion.

"Uh, Dan, what's wrong?"

Phil was sprawled out on the sofa with Dan sitting on the floor by his feet. Dan looked over at Phil. He seemed paler. His skin had always had this certain glow to it, but now it just looked.. Dead.  
Phil's arms had fresh bandages on that Dan had helped him with earlier today, but the burns were healing up and they weren't as painful anymore.

Phil had a long cut down the side of his neck.

He'd been doing something for dinner when it had started. Dan walked in just before he reached his throat or any other dangerous areas.  
It was a terrible day.

Phil's usually cheerful, shining eyes were now dim and there were heavy bags under his eyes. The night terrors were a recent development.

"I can't remember m-much," Phil would whisper to Dan once he'd rushed in when he heard Phil's screams. "There was a w-woman in a b-black suit. She had blonde h-hair that was tied up and her e-eyes... They were white."

Dan would stay with Phil until he'd go back to sleep, but he never did.

"Dan. Dan, what's wrong?" Phil asked, pushing himself up into a sitting position.

"Nothing's wrong," Dan turned his head towards the TV.  
"Nothing at all."


	13. Chapter 13

Phil was sitting on his bed looking at Lion when Dan knocked.

"Can I come in?"

"Sure."

Phil felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up into chestnut eyes. "You okay, Phil?"

Phil nodded and looked down at Lion again. Dan sat across from him.

"Why did you call me here?"

"I.. Wanted to talk to you about something."

Dan's heart sunk at the tone of his friend's voice. He knew this wasn't going to be good. "What is it?"

"Well, I've been.. Thinking. If what's happening to me ends badly, I want all cards out on the table."  
Phil swallowed a lump in his throat. "You're my brother, Dan. My best friend. I don't know where I'd be without you. You've been there for me through so much and I don't -" His voice cracked.  
"I don't know where I would be without you." Phil sighed and ran his hands through his hair. "I love you. NOT in a weird, creepy, sexual way that everyone seems to think I do, but I do love you. And I do care for you. And please, if I.. If I leave, don't stop doing what you love. The radio show, YouTube - keep at it, because you're brilliant at it and it makes you happy."

He looked up at Dan, who was concentrating on his shoes, frowning. Phil winced and buried his face in a pillow. After a while, he heard Dan speak.

"I love you too, Phil, but you're not going to leave me." His voice with thick with emotion. Phil removed the pillow from his face to find Dan wiping his eyes.

"You're not going to leave me, OK? You're not. Don't speak like that. You're going to be OK. You are, we'll figure this out together."

Phil blinked a couple of times. "But Dan.."

"YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LEAVE ME PHIL."

Dan rushed out the door, and a moment later Phil heard his bedroom door close.  
Phil got up and went to Dan's door.

"Dan?" Phil knocked.  
"Dan, can I come in? Dan?"

Dan ignored him. He couldn't speak, his body was shaking and his throat hurt. He buried his head under a pillow and began to sob, listening to Phil's knocks and pleas. After about ten minutes, Dan realized he couldn't hear Phil outside his door anymore.  
He got up slowly, rubbing his eyes and fixing his mussed up hair. Dan opened his door and stuck his head out.

"Phil?" He called out.

He checked Phil's room, but there wasn't anyone in there. Lion was lying discarded on the floor.

Dan started panicking. _Where is he?_

He checked the bathroom. Nothing. Same with the living room. _Oh god_, Dan thought, looking at the doors to the balcony._What if..._

He stepped outside and inched closer to the railing. He held his breath and peeked over the side. Breathing a sigh of relief, he quickly went back inside, shutting and locking the door behind. He just turned when he heard the sound of the front door closing.

"Phil?" He called, stepping into the hallway outside. He caught a glimpse of Phil just before the elevator doors closed.

Phil's eyes were white.


	14. Chapter 14

He ran up to the elevator doors and started pounding on them, but they had started moving already. He looked up and saw that the elevator was heading for the very last level.

_The roof._

Dan ran for the stairs. Once he reached the last level of stairs, he just managed to see Phil leave the building.

"Phil, wait!"

He raced up after Phil. He pushed the door open and saw Phil standing on the very edge of the rooftop, wavering ever so slightly.

"Wha.." Phil turned around and looked at Dan. Dan saw Phil's eyes change from that ghostly white to the normal bright blue.

"Phi- WATCH OUT!"

Dan shut his eyes as Phil lost his balance, and heard the scream he knew he'd never forget.


	15. Chapter 15

"Are you ready?"

"I'll just be a few minutes." Dan looked up at PJ and gave him a small smile.  
"I'll catch up with you."

PJ didn't smile back, but he nodded back and walked off with Chris by his side.

It was a nice service. It wasn't too extravagant, Phil wouldn't want that. It was just his close friends and family. Phil's mom had asked Dan to say something during the service. He agreed, but halfway through his speech, he'd broke down. He couldn't do it.  
But everyone understood. They had played Starlight by Muse at the end.

It was two days after the service. The three friends decided to go and pay their final respects to Phil, and Dan had brought Lion along in his pocket for support. The others didn't know.

He was now sitting on his knees, looking at his best friend's, his brother's, epitaph.

_"Wonderful son, loving friend._ _This star is shining bright in the sky and in our hearts."_

_Yes. Yes, he is_. Dan shut his eyes, struggling to keep control of his emotions.

It'd literally felt like someone had his heart in their hands and they were squeezing it without mercy. When he opened his eyes, he saw a pair of black shoes. He looked up, squinting in the sun.

It was a woman with blonde hair, and she was wearing a suit. She had white eyes. He looked at her confused for a moment, before everything suddenly made sense.

"You.." She simply smiled at him. He stood up. He was fuming. This woman was the cause of Phil's death. She was the cause of everyone's "suicide" over the last few weeks. He tried yelling, screaming, doing anything to show her how angry he was, but he couldn't. It felt like something was holding him back.

"Why?" was all Dan could manage to say.

She smiled again, before turning away from him.

"Love hurts."

And with that, she was gone.


	16. Chapter 16 - The End

PJ and Chris were sitting in PJ's car, waiting for Dan.

"I still can't believe Phil is gone." Chris looked out the window.  
"I can't imagine how Dan must be feeling. I mean, I don't know what I would if something happened to you."

Chris looked at PJ.  
PJ had his head in his hands.

"Peej? Are you alright?"

Chris lifted PJ's face and his breath caught in his throat.

PJ's eyes were white.


End file.
